As a person holding high empathy as my only moral since childhood, I was a big failure at confronting people. My mind used to run errands with anyone who was rude to me, because all I could do was empathise their situation & never resolve mine. Over years empathy ruled my life more than right or wrong & it served me a good public image. I tried overcoming that stance of telling someone that they have done wrong or confronting anyone regarding the things bothering me.
Until one day, in the most odd sense of daily routine, I decided to speak up. Having read many psychological nuances where using soft power over someone to imprint your thoughts out on them requires a very patient outlook, became my first strategy. I chose the softest tone in my mind first. Actually it was a deep range of anger which made me think twice, and I reflected on my own tonal quality before I spoke up.
Then I checked my vocabulary for confrontation, it was a very “confrontational” choice of words of course. So it began with first diffusing the anger of the person in front by asking them “why do you have to talk to me like that??…While I am genuinely & patiently asking you something, involving you in my decision by seeking you out, but the way you speak to me in that angry face & tone, is not appropriate of an adult addressing someone with no qualms. “
So, here was step 2, I silenced the anger of the person in front, by the very act of questioning the anger but not the person. You life the person because if you genuinely care about a resolution, you will empathise at the same time.
Then came a consequential Step 3, the person silenced for a moment & said “you also don’t listen, you spoke in the same way”. While we both knew it was a wrong accusation because the anger itself was trying to be defensive this time. But as soon as I chose not to react to this statement, the anger disappeared. And that was the end of the discussion, with a strong resolution that one cannot take mishandling of words just because its a whim of someone’s anger. You can’t always resort to empathy without a full blown thought as to whether the person deserves being empathised in a particular situation.
So here was a quick 3 step guide for you to imbibe the power of soft confrontation, because it sure does make both the parties uncomfortable, but it has a definite solution in the end. Let’s recap how you too can use the soft skill of powerful confrontation:
Step 1 – Patiently & mindfully pick a tone & vocabulary in your head first. (This is a strategy to talk & not to burst in anger)
Step 2 – Separate the person from their anger, using empathy if the person truly has not meant to be rude. It might result in elevating the person in his/her own eyes & this way the anger within takes a backseat, enabling them to hear out the other side.
Step 3 – Don’t reach to their comeback, simply ask yourself, does the response needs a reaction? If not, keep silent as it will be a stronger closure to what you meant to communicate. This way the other person will not see you as a trigger, but someone who just spoke his/her heart out.